Love, Tuesday...
How does your garden grow?
This is our last week talking about LOVE on this Love, Tuesday…
Of course we will still bring you our “Love, Tuesday” post each week, but this month we’ve delved a little deeper into the idea of LOVE and next week we will get back to a lighter fare of subjects on Tuesdays!
So for this last week on the subject, I was trying to think about what I could share with you that would be something helpful to know about with this big word we all aspire to: LOVE.
As a mother of three daughters, that I’m almost finished raising into adulthood, (Our last girl is 16 and on her way to college NEXT YEAR!) I’ve recently been thinking about how I can come alongside younger moms and share my experiences, encourage them in the hard things and just BE THERE when it’s needed. Our oldest daughter has made me a Grammie and it’s the best thing, isn’t it? If you know what that’s like then you know what a JOY it is to be in this stage of life. But this time in life also has me reflecting back on the ways we’ve raised our daughters, and in that process you sometimes can feel tinges of regret. Did I do it right? I probably should have done this…. or I wish I would have _________ (fill in the blank). I know those questions have come up in my mind, and maybe yours as well, and I understand it’s hard to fight those feelings of inadequacy.
I want to stop right here and tell you that we need to give grace to ourselves. We need to comprehend that we will never be perfect parents because no one is a perfect human, and in turn we need to give grace to our children. God’s grace is there for us, and it’s not just in the “saving grace” moment, but in the daily grace where we need some reminding…
So 2 Corinthians 12:9 reminds us: But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”
Please don’t limit the work of God’s grace in your life. It’s in our weaknesses that we can intimately know AND fully rest in His grace; and it’s also where we can move forward with love and strength that only Jesus can supply!
Our “garden” CAN grow beautifully if we allow grace into our homes and understand a little more about LOVE in relation to our children.
So getting back to today’s topic, I wanted to share with you one great resource that’s available to everyone and has helped us in raising our girls. If you don’t know about this organization, I think it’s important to pass this along to you.
The organization I want to share with you is called Focus on the Family. If you’ve never heard of them then I hope you will search them out and know that they are a resource for you. They focus on all aspects of family, so they are also helpful for marriages, grand parenting, etc. They have been such a huge blessing to us through the years! It started from the early days when I was a kid… ya know, the days when you had to get off your tooshie to go change the channel on the TV….hahaha. I remember going to church on a Wednesday or Sunday night (and actually not wanting to get off my tooshie that was comfortably tucked in a corner of the sofa) and listening to Dr. James Dobson, founder of Focus on the Family. He produced videos that we would watch as a church on a giant old fashioned drop down screen. He would speak on a wide range of topics related to the family and even as a kid I knew what he was saying was important. To this day they help so many families with their video resources, a radio ministry that reaches all around the world and Dr. Dobson and his team have written countless books on family life that are still having a huge impact on the next generation… praise God! They are just down the way from us in Colorado Springs and one of these days we need to make a trip to visit them.
In my opinion, FOTF has one of the most important resources for everyone to take advantage of and that’s their website. I can truthfully say it has been a place that we have gone to over the years for help in parenting. When we had a question about how to handle a situation or what would be the best course of action, it has helped us make our decisions on more than one occasion. The amount of content on every subject you can think of is incredible, you can just type in the subject matter and it will take you to all their resources on that subject. They also have a phone number you can call to talk to a counselor for free and I know it’s been a blessing to millions of people over the years.
So since we are on the subject of LOVE, today I wanted to share with you one thing we learned early on in our marriage from Focus on the Family that I think is a very important concept to understand in regards to not only marriage, but raising children.
It was through their radio ministry that we discovered a man by the name of Gary Chapman and his book “The Five Love Languages.” The following is part of an article you can read in its entirety HERE, But I wanted to share part of it with you this last week while we are talking about LOVE, because it’s a beautiful way to understand your children, their need for love and how you can better come along side them in showing them love.
I’ll share Gary Chapman’s “Five Love Languages” here, so you have the concept of each type of love he is describing:
Physical touch:
Some children need to be physically shown love through hugging, holding their hand or even
squeezing their arm gently to show you care.
Acts of service:
This form of showing children that they are loved comes from doing small things for them. Perhaps
doing their chores or helping with a difficult task speaks their love language.
Quality time:
Some children feel loved when they are given a parent’s undivided attention. They want to talk
and be heard in one-on-one time, whether on a walk, sitting on the couch or going somewhere.
Gifts:
All children love gifts, but some feel especially loved when they are given gifts that show how
someone thought about them. The value of the gift increases with the amount of thought that went
into it.
Words of affirmation:
Some children feel loved when a parent affirms them or builds them up with words.
Now this sweet little girl right here is the baby of the family. I can’t believe she’s 16 years old now! It has gone by so fast and to think she will graduate from High School next year is hitting me HARD lately… probably because she’s our last. She was a miracle “caboose” baby and she’s 10 years younger than our oldest. So I’ve been in the role of mother for 26+ years and it’s coming to an end soon. It’s been such a joy to parent these girls and see them blossom into women. I know I will always be their mother, but in adulthood they need a mother that understands their role is no longer to tell them what to do, watch over them or discipline them. It’s a hard transition and I’ve had to learn this as our older two went off into the world. But the baby, welp… just pray for me when you think about me. HA!
Getting back to the list above and the different ways we all want to experience LOVE…
The article I referred to above goes through each stage of childhood and would be helpful to read if you have younger children. But I’m going to share today what Gary Chapman has to say about the “Teen Years” for those who have teens at home. I think this is so helpful to keep in mind. I don’t know that I’ve done a great job of keeping their “love language” in mind over the years and this is a great refresher for me as we savor the last moments of having Isabella at home with us. Each child is a precious and unique creation of God and we have been blessed with three girls who are all different in their own ways. It’s been neat to look at this list and be reminded, and even encouraged to start a conversation again, about the differences in how they love and want love in return.
So here’s the excerpt from the article on teens:
The Teen Years:
A mother told me, “I know my daughter’s love language is quality time. As a child, she loved to play games with me, and we’d go shopping together. Now that she’s a teen, she has no interest in doing those things with me. Did her love language change?”
Parents often ask that question about their teens. The answer is no. But how you communicate your children’s love language might need to be tweaked. You may need to learn new “dialects” of your teen’s love language.
Teens go through tremendous physical, emotional and intellectual changes. Even if you spoke her love language when she was younger, she may draw back from it when she becomes a teen, believing the ways you formerly expressed love seem childish now. Her primary language is likely the same as it has always been, but she may not “hear” or “speak” that language in the same ways that she used to. The dialect has changed.
Mom can hug her 10-year-old after his game, and he feels loved. But three or four years later, a hug may no longer feel comfortable for him. He still needs physical
touch — but not necessarily in front of his teammates.
A teen’s emotions fluctuate in response to what happens in life. A child who loves physical touch may receive a hug from Mom in the morning but may reject one in the afternoon. Why? Something happened at school that impacted him emotionally. A good rule of thumb with hugs is: If your teen stands close to you, he will likely receive your hug. If he stands across the room, probably not. Try to read his mood, and you will understand why your expressions of love may be accepted or rejected.
Studying Your Teen:
If you don’t know your teen’s love language, ask: “On a scale of one to 10, how much love do you feel coming from me?” Then ask, “What could I do to bring up my score?” Or, if you are really brave, ask this question: “Would you give me one idea for how I can be a better parent?” The answer can give you a clue to your teen’s love language.
Remember, teen brains are in the process of being rewired. He is developing a more logical thought process and will begin to question your ideas and opinions more often. He is more argumentative, which might frustrate and anger you, and when you’re angry, you may be less inclined to express love. You may even be tempted to respond with negative or condemning words. But you must be careful not to allow your emotions to dictate your behavior. Instead, offer empathetic listening.
“I’m glad to see you thinking about this,” you might say. “Please let me hear your thoughts.” Empathetic listening fosters the teen’s developing intellect. Learning to listen, instead of arguing, is the road to keeping your teen’s love tank full.
You may find it difficult to speak your teen’s changing love dialect. It’s OK to start with baby steps. For instance, in the area of physical touch, begin with a light touch on the
shoulder as you walk by, or offer a fist bump after a positive event. Then try a pat on the back. Small steps eventually can lead to big hugs.
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I hope this was a little glimpse into some small things you can do with your children to show them LOVE.
Like I said earlier, we all can feel like we’ve done things wrong in our parenting. This isn’t about being perfect and I hope you know that. One of the most loving verses in the Bible is this one from Lamentations:
”The steadfast LOVE of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” Lamentations 3:22-23
God’s LOVE is unmovable friends. It is sure and constant and I hope you feel that today!
Maybe one “takeaway from this post can be to take a moment out of your day today and think about how YOU’D like to have love shown to you, from the list above. And if you have children, take some time to have a conversation with them if you don’t know have an idea what their love language is. It will open up a conversation with them that shows to them… your heart for them. It has made me think about little ways I can show love to each of our girls and I hope it has inspired you as well.
So go water your garden and see it grow in LOVE.
Have a GREAT Tuesday!
Hugs,
Laura McCollough
P.S. All these photos were taken years back on a trip in 2015 to Paris in the Springtime!! We were walking around after a breakfast at Pauls, and this street had the most beautiful flower shop! I would have bought them all if we lived there or were staying for a while, but it was on one of the last days there. It’s an amazing flower shop and their displays are drool worthy! We ended up having an impromptu photo shoot there and they are still some of my favorite photos from that year.